All of these ideas belong to Dale Carnegie and his book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

 "Don't criticize, condemn or complain."

- “Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment” (Carnegie, p. 5).

- No matter how wrong a person may be, he will rarely criticize himself for anything

- Positive reinforcement, rewarding someone for good behavior, works better than punishing someone for doing something wrong

- Ben Franklin’s secret to success – “I will speak ill of no man… and speak all the good I know of everybody.”’

- Instead of criticizing people, try to take time and understand why the other person did what he or she did

 "Give honest and sincere appreciation."

- Everybody likes a compliment, and everybody has a desire to be great and important

- Charles Schwab was a very rich man who made roughly one million dollars a year because of his ability to deal with others. He understands the importance of why one shouldn’t criticize others. “There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loathe to find fault.”

- But beware of the difference between appreciation and flattery: “One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned”

 "Arouse the other person an eager want."

- We are only interested in what we want, so the only way to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it

- To persuade someone into doing something, you should ask yourself, “How can I make this person want to do it?”

- In a job interview, try to look at the employer’s point of view. Why would he want to hire you? How can you better his/her company? You should focus on his wants. Not why you want to work for him.

- Always think in the other person’s point of view

Six Ways to Make People Like You

"Become genuinely interested in other people."

- People are usually interested in themselves. However, according to Alfred Adler, people who are not interested in others usually have the greatest difficulties in life.

- “In order to make friends, we should put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness”

- For example, try to remember all your friends’ birthdays

- “Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you, but may develop in its customers a loyalty to your company.”

- However, as with every other principle, the interest you show in others must be sincere.

"Smile."

- A smile says a lot, and it can brighten another person’s day. It tells people, “I like you,” “You make me happy,” “I am glad to see you.”

- According to Professor James McConnell, a psychologist at the University of Michigan, “People who smile tend to manage, teach, and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. There’s far more information in a smile than a frown. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching method than punishment.”

- You should smile when you’re on the phone as well, because your smile comes through in your voice.

 "Remember that a man's name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language."

- “The average person is interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together”

- Most people do not remember names, because they do not want to take the time or energy to concentrate on repeating someone’s names in their minds.

- Remembering the other person’s name will work magic

 "Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves."

- You should listen intently when you are in a conversation with another person, and become genuinely interested in what that other person is saying, because “that kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone.”

- You will seem like you are a good conversationalist if you are just a good listener and encourage others to talk.

- Many people fail to make a good impression because they do not listen attentively

- If you want people to dislike you, “Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of the sentence” (93)

- Ask questions that the other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments

 "Talk in the terms of the other man's interest."

- Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties

- The road to a person’s heart is to talk about things he or she treasures most

 "Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.”

- Always make the other person feel important

-John Dewey says “the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature”

-Phrases like, “I’m sorry to trouble you” “Would you be so kind as to ---?” “Would you mind?” “Thank you”- will help

-“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours”

Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

"Avoid arguments."

- Avoid an argument at all costs, even if you know that you’re right

- You cannot win an argument -- If you lose an argument, you lose; if you win an argument, you still lose, because you make the other person feel inferior

- “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still”

o A Guide to avoiding arguments:

1. Welcome the disagreement.

2. Distrust your first instinctive impression.

3. Control your temper.

4. Listen first.

5. Look for areas of agreement.

6. Be honest.

7. Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully.

8. Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest

9. Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.

"Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never tell someone they are wrong."

- Do not tell people they are wrong, especially if they are adamant about their beliefs, or else they will resent you. It will make the other person want to fight.

- Do not be afraid to admit you’re wrong

- Let people admit they’re wrong first (i.e. if you’re the boss of a company, ask the employees where they thing something is wrong, then you make suggestions to improve it)

"If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically."

- Admit that you’re wrong – do it quickly, openly, and with enthusiasm

- “Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say – and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized.

"Begin in a friendly way."

- Begin in a friendly way before you state your problem or else you would find difficulty in find a solution

- Convince the other person you are his friend

- Compliment the other person

"Start with questions the other person will answer yes to."

- Keep emphasizing on things which you agree, “that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is of method and not of purpose”

- Keep the other person saying “yes” and never “no”, because the listener will move in the more affirmative direction

- More “yeses” mean you will be more likely to get a yes for your ultimate proposal

"Let the other person do the talking."

- Let the person talk themselves out, since they know more about their own business and problems. However, if you disagree with something the other person says, DO NOT INTERUPPT – you should listen patiently and with an open mind.

- Letting the other person do the talking has benefits

- During a job interview, you should get to know about the other person and his/her company – Successful people like to reminisce about the company’s beginnings and his struggles

"Let the other person feel the idea is his/hers."

- Consult others in their wishes and desires

- For example, if you are a sales manager, you should ask your employees what they expect from you, and what they think you have a right to expect from them

- No one likes to be told what to do; we like to think we are buying something because we want or, or we do something because we want to

"Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view."

- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes; look at the other’s POV

- Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own

- Ask yourself, “Why would he or she want to do it?”

"Sympathize with the other person."

- A phrase to stop arguments or make the other person listen attentively: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you, I would undoubtedly feel just as you do”

- Sympathize with the other person’s point of view

"Appeal to noble motives."

- A person usually has two reasons for doing something: one that sounds good and a real reason

- People will act favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair

"Dramatize your ideas."

- The truth has to be made vivid, dramatized

- This is similar to commercials comparing their brand to another

"Throw down a challenge."

- When nothing else works, stimulate competition

- “People love the chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win”

Nine Ways to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

"Begin with praise and honest appreciation."

- “It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points”

"Call attention to other people's mistakes indirectly."

- You should use always begin in a friendly way, but when you’re beginning with praise and honest appreciation before stating what’s wrong, do not use the word “but”. The use of “but” leads to a straining of credibility -- use “and” instead.

- Example: “We’re really proud of you, Johnny, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others,” instead of “We’re really proud of you, Johnny, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better” (212)

- Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism

"Talk about your own mistakes first."

- When you talk about your own mistakes first before pointing out others’ mistakes, it makes hearing these criticisms easier to hear for the other person. It shows him/her that you know that you aren’t perfect.

"Ask questions instead of giving direct orders."

- No one likes to take orders. Asking questions makes an order more agreeable. “People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.”

- Example- “Do you think it would be better if you did something this way?”

"Let the other person save face."

- Do not destroy someone’s ego, because it will ultimately build resentment in the long run

- If you need to criticize someone, do it in private. Try to avoid embarrassing the person in front of his peers – otherwise, he may become defensive and will not admit to his wrongdoings.

- For example, instead of demoting someone’s position, change his or her title and responsibilities. This will avoid public embarrassment.

"Praise every improvement."

- Praising even the slightest improvement will spur people on to success

- Positive reinforcement will encourage the person to keep doing better

- Don’t condemn everything someone does wrong

- Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”

"Give them a fine reputation to live up to."

- “Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him”

- For example: John, you are an excellent writer, but with a few changes, you can be better.

"Encourage them by making their faults seem easy to correct."

- Do not tell someone that he or she is incompetent at doing a certain thing or does something wrong

- Instead, be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has a natural flair for doing something

"Make the other person happy about doing what you suggest."

- “Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest” – this is one of the most important rules in human relations

- Make people think that they are doing you a great favor, even if you are giving them an honorable position they really want’

- Make the other person think that he is too important for the role they want and that’s why you cannot give it to them

- Give titles and authority

- Guidelines (246)